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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24269989">I Love You Never Felt Like Any Blessing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kataurah/pseuds/kataurah'>kataurah</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Walking Dead (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Love Confessions, Romance, Season/Series 10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:53:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,149</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24269989</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kataurah/pseuds/kataurah</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The rumble of his voice breaks the terrible silence palpable in the air, and Carol finds herself very aware of the distance between them in this room where they stand; every awful inch of space. He doesn’t sound accusatory or angry, just so damn tired. </p>
<p><i>I did this to him.</i> The thought stabs her in the chest.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Daryl Dixon/Carol Peletier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Love You Never Felt Like Any Blessing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written after 10x12, cross posted at Nine Lives.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You fucked up.” </p>
<p>The rumble of his voice breaks the terrible silence palpable in the air, and Carol finds herself very aware of the distance between them in this room where they stand; every awful inch of space. He doesn’t sound accusatory or angry, just so damn tired. </p>
<p><em>I did this to him</em>. The thought stabs her in the chest. </p>
<p>“I know.” </p>
<p>She forces the words out because Daryl deserves this acknowledgement. He deserves so much more than she can give him anymore. He deserves to take out his anger and grief on her because <em>she</em> is responsible, and she doesn’t know why he still refuses to say it. Why he hangs on to some misplaced sense of loyalty or obligation to her. She’s not worth it. </p>
<p>“You couldn’t just leave it alone.” She can hear the bitterness now, the sadness. “Why the hell’d you even promise me anything if you were just gonna…” </p>
<p>He trails off and she catches his face crumpling briefly with too much emotion before he ducks his head and hides, hair falling into his face. The movement is so characteristically <em>him</em> that it hits her like a gut punch, fingers itching to reach out, to soothe. He looks overcome and conflicted and lost and, God, does she empathise. All at once she wants to push him away and draw him close and never let go.  </p>
<p>“I meant it,” Her voice breaks and she hates how raw and vulnerable she feels. How all her defences have always been useless in the face of this man. “I promised you and I meant it when I said it. I <em>wanted</em> to mean it.” </p>
<p>“Well, that don’t mean shit now, does it?” </p>
<p>It’s not even close to the worst thing he could say to her right now, but he growls it and she can’t help it, she winces, even though he’s entirely in the right. She knows Daryl sees it because he sees everything. </p>
<p>His face softens just the slightest fraction, blue eyes shining, pleading with her again, for what she isn’t sure either of them know anymore. </p>
<p>He takes a step towards her, “Carol -"</p>
<p>“No.” And she moves back. “No, you’re right, it doesn’t. They’re dead, regardless of my intentions.” </p>
<p>He draws a deep breath at that, but his gaze doesn’t break. </p>
<p>“I know what it’s like, you know,” His voice is back to that soft, quiet cadence that it always takes with her, and Carol can’t bear for him to be gentle with her right now. It <em>hurts</em>. “To want revenge so bad that nothing else matters. Glenn died because of me -"</p>
<p>Denial and years-old grief rise up in her throat, “That’s not -"</p>
<p>Daryl shakes his head, “Maggie’d say otherwise but it still feels like that’s on me. I didn’t swing the bat but… " His eyes close, brows pinched in pain, and <em>of course</em> he still carries that with him. Of course he does, because Carol knows so would she. Just as she knows that he would carry her pain for her like she wishes she could for him. </p>
<p>Still… “It’s not the same.” She alone blew up that damn cave, ignoring this man - this good, brave, true man whom she loves - trying to be there for her. Trying desperately to talk her down. </p>
<p>Carol crosses her arms, holding on to them to stop herself from walking across into Daryl’s. She knows he wouldn’t deny her. </p>
<p>“We’ve all done things we wish we could take back. I know you wish you could -"</p>
<p>Carol crumbles. </p>
<p>“Stop trying to make what I did okay! Stop being understanding! <em>Please, just stop!” </em></p>
<p>The last is a broken cry as she shrinks into herself, eyes squeezed shut and biting her lip against the sobs fighting to break free. The guilt feels as though it’s searing through her, eviscerating from within. All she can do is keep her arms wrapped around herself as though that might hold her together. She didn’t hear or see Daryl move, but she can feel him hovering close now. </p>
<p>“It’s not okay. We lost people. Friends. But - hey… look at me?” Carol feels his fingertips brush under her chin and opens her eyes, tears spilling over, to find Daryl’s face just inches away, his face an open book for her to read, no longer hiding… “I was where you are, I was ready to do anything to take out the Saviours. The only thing that mattered more was you.” </p>
<p>She feels a rush of deja vu as he cups her cheek, catching tears with his thumb, and she wants to reach for him so <em>badly</em>. She can feel her resolve weakening and her mind spins at his words. </p>
<p> “I - I don’t understand.” </p>
<p>“Stuff happened. Doesn’t matter. All you need to know is that you matter to me. More than anything.”</p>
<p>“I shouldn’t -”</p>
<p>“Even if I can’t be that person for you. Even if I can’t be enough to stop you, to save you.” </p>
<p>His voice trembles, catching in his throat, and that hurts even more than the guilt tearing through her. Daryl Dixon should never, ever think that he is not enough. </p>
<p>“You <em>are</em>,” She sobs, “You <em>are</em> my person, Daryl, you’re -” <em>everything</em>, she should say but still can’t because he deserves so much better than her. Because she is <em>afraid</em>. “I’m not… I’m not worth it. I’m not <em>good</em>. I kill people. People die because of me!” </p>
<p><em>He</em> can’t die because of her. She cannot <em>stand</em> the thought. Everything hurts; it’s too much. </p>
<p>Carol breaks out of his light grasp and turns, old habits and the instinct to flee almost driving her out the door until strong arms wrap around her from behind and Daryl pulls her back flush against his chest.  </p>
<p>“Don’t -” He begs roughly next to her ear, “Please don’t run again.” </p>
<p>Dimly, through the rushing in her head, Carol thinks he sounds terrified; afraid, probably, that if she walks out the door he might not ever see her again. </p>
<p>She wishes she could say for sure that he’d be wrong. </p>
<p>“You should let me go.” She can’t stop the tears. She never could when it comes to him. Could never shut it all down and plaster on a mask because he will always see right through her. “Why can’t you just let me go?”</p>
<p>“You know I can’t.” As if to emphasise his words he squeezes her tighter. “You <em>know</em> why.”</p>
<p>Carol does. Deep down, she does, she just doesn’t want to face it. </p>
<p>“<em>Daryl</em>,” she begs, unsure of what she’s even begging for anymore. </p>
<p>“<em>Fuck</em>…” He draws a shuddering breath and she feels the pressure of his head on her shoulder, wonders if he’s hiding his face. “I <em>love</em> you,” He says finally, sounding wrecked and raw, and all the fight goes out of her. </p>
<p>Carol lets herself fall apart, knowing that somehow, no matter what, Daryl’s arms will hold her together. </p>
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